The Girl, the Penguin, the Home-Schooling and the Gin by Guy Adams - Ages 5+ - Hardback

'It's alright,' said the Penguin, in exactly the sort of way that Penguins don't. 'This is the only book you'll ever need to find complete happiness.' Because it's been a bit of a trying time, hasn't it? You now know that your five-year-old is better at maths than you.

And English. And at not crying during work. And the only way to get through it with a smile has been to buy all the booze and try to remember how to do 'going out'.

But don't worry, here to paper over all the cracks is a touching book, full of tender animal friends, pretty pictures and not too many words. A book for our times - to remind us of the precious joys of having all the family together, non-stop, twenty-four hours a day. Owning it will make you happy.

Giving it to other people will make you seem kind. Reading it will remind you that you're nearly out of gin.